We’ve Started the Divorce Process, But Now We May Want to Reconcile

I have a client who’s navigating this right now. He never wanted the divorce, but during the months apart, he’s made real progress in his healing. He’s rebuilt his confidence, set (and maintained) healthy boundaries, and reflected deeply on how the marriage got off track. One of the most meaningful shifts has been taking responsibility for his part in that breakdown.

He knows now that he wasn’t the partner or parent he wanted to be—and he’s committed to showing up differently, whether he remains single, enters a new relationship, or reconciles. He’s also discovered something important: that he’ll be okay, even without his marriage. That realization—while it may sound simple—is profound for many people, especially when divorce feels like it’s unraveling your identity.

Nearly a year after separating, he’s in a very different place. He’s showing up with clarity—for himself, for his kids, and for his co-parent. Recently, he and his wife (they’re still legally married but living apart) have started talking seriously about trying again.

When he shared this with me, he felt embarrassed. Was he settling? Was this a step backward? How would he know if it was the right move? What would trying again really look like? Could he protect himself financially if they paused the divorce? How long should they give it?

He’s not alone. I’ve worked with several clients who’ve paused—or even stopped—the divorce process, and I love the thoughtful questions this brings up. If you’re in a similar situation, here are a few things to consider:

1. Only you know what’s best for you.

Well-meaning people will have opinions. Be careful who you ask. At the end of the day, you’re the one living this life. One of my favorite questions to ground this decision: What is my true intention? Are you considering reconciliation because you genuinely love your partner and see a healthy future—or because the unknown feels too scary? Sit with that. Your intuition may be clearer than you realize.

2. As Esther Perel says, “The first marriage is over. Can you build a second one—together?”

That mindset shift is powerful. If you’re not trying to “go back” but instead rebuild something new, what would you want to keep from your first marriage? What needs to change? Are you both willing to explore and disrupt the old dynamics?

3. Set a clear timeline.

Maybe it’s, “We’ll commit to working on this for six months, then check in.” What does “working on it” mean to each of you? Therapy? Ground rules? Date nights? Define the terms together so expectations are aligned.

4. Visualize success.

Ask yourselves: If this reconnection goes well, what does it look like? Are you dating each other again? Staying apart while reconnecting? Traveling together? Having space? Don’t assume you’re on the same page—talk about what you each hope for.

5. Update your lawyer.

Let your attorney know what’s going on and ask for guidance. The client I mentioned is finalizing a post-nuptial agreement that provides clarity and protection regardless of what they ultimately decide.

6. Take your time sharing.

You don’t owe anyone a full explanation. Give yourself room to explore this without pressure. You can use something simple, like: “Thanks for asking—things are okay right now. We’re figuring it out.”

Final Thoughts

Reconciliation isn’t a failure or a weakness. It’s not backtracking, it’s a choice to be intentional with your future. It’s brave to walk away when something is no longer right. But it’s also brave to pause, reflect, and ask: Could we do this differently now?

Whatever path you choose, let it be one that reflects your growth, not your fear. You deserve peace, clarity, and connection whether it’s within a new version of your relationship, or in the new life you’re building on your own terms.