Healing Your Relationship With Yourself After Divorce

When you go through a divorce, it’s easy to lose sense of who you are.

For years, you may have been a "we." You were a spouse, a partner, and that may have been a primary way you saw yourself . Now, the labels have changed. You might look in the mirror and feel like you are looking at a stranger. While this disconnect is scary, it is also completely normal.

I know it sounds cliche, but truly, the most important relationship you will ever have is the one you have with yourself. And just like any other relationship, it needs attention, patience, and a little bit of work to heal.

Prioritize Yourself (Without the Guilt)

If you’re confused about whether you should take care of yourself first, or prioritize everyone else in your life, you’re not alone. In the contradictory world that we live in, we are taught that putting ourselves first is both selfish and essential. Especially during divorce, when you are trying to stabilize your kids or manage a household solo, taking time for yourself feels like a luxury you cannot afford.

But during this time especially, It is not a luxury. It is a necessity.

You cannot pour from an empty cup. Nurturing yourself doesn’t have to mean expensive spa days or vacations. Instead, try building in small, daily choices like these: 

• Drink a glass of water before coffee, and include some kind of movement or exercise into your day, even if it’s a short walk.
• Designate one or two specific times/day to check divorce-related email.
• Buy the coffee creamer you like, even if it costs a dollar more.
• Go to bed thirty minutes earlier.

These small acts send a signal to your brain that you are worth the effort.

MORE > You Need Tools, Not Just Advice

The Art of Checking In

One of the best ways to rebuild a connection with yourself is to actually ask, "How am I doing?"

You do not need to write a novel. You do not need to be a "writer." Just grab a notebook or the notes app on your phone and jot down a few thoughts at the end of the day.

You can try asking yourself these simple questions:

• How did I feel today?
• What went well?
• What drained my energy?

Doing this consistently,will start to reveal patterns you can learn from. You might notice that you always feel anxious after talking to a certain person. Or you might realize that you feel calmer on days when you get outside.

This data is powerful. It helps you make better choices for your future self. Plus, looking back at entries from two months ago is a great way to see how much you have actually grown, even when you feel stuck.

How To > Start Feeling Like Yourself

Name It to Tame It

We spend a lot of energy trying not to feel things. We shove down the anger, the sadness, or the fear to "keep it together."

But feelings demand to be felt, and if you don’t address them head-on, chances are they’ll show up in other ways. So when a big emotion comes up, validate it. Give it a name. Say to yourself, "I am feeling really sad right now, and that makes sense because _____."

You are not broken or doing anything wrong if you feel messy or overwhelmed. It’s normal under any circumstance, but especially during a stressful period like divorce. When you stop fighting your feelings and start acknowledging them, they often lose their power to overwhelm you.

The Power of Yes and No

Rebuilding your identity also means figuring out what you actually like again (and this part can be fun!).

Start saying yes to things you would normally skip. Did you used to love painting? Go to a class. Have you always wanted to try hiking? Go find a trail. Did a friend reach out to grab coffee? Go! Experiment with new hobbies and dip back into socializing to see what lights you up.

At the same time, it’s also empowering to get comfortable saying no.

Divorce is exhausting. You may not have the capacity you used to have. If you’re not up to it, it’s okay to decline to take on something for a family member or to decline invitations. Setting boundaries protects your energy so you can use it on healing and those things that do bring you joy.

Curate Your World

Your environment affects your mood and ability to build a positive mindset more than you realize. Take a hard look at your social media feed or what’s on the news. If following certain accounts makes you feel inadequate or upset, unfollow them. Choose to fill your feed with quotes, humor, and people who make you feel good.

Surround yourself with people who fill your cup. Distance yourself from those who drain it.

You get to choose what you let into your mind and your home. Choose things that support the version of you that is trying to heal.

Because Valentine’s Day is Coming Up > Give This a Quick Read

Self-Care Is Not Selfish

I will say it again because you probably need to hear it. Taking care of yourself is not selfish. Can you treat yourself like you would treat your best friend? Would you tell her she’s being lazy or selfish?!

Prioritizing your well-being really is the only way you will get through anything.

When you treat yourself with kindness and respect, you also set the standard for how others should treat you, and show your children what resilience looks like.

You are doing the hard work of rebuilding. Be gentle with the architect.