Reflection: The Secret to Healing from Divorce

Lately, I have had the chance to tell so many clients that they’re doing better than they realize. They give me an update and tend to move quickly through the parts where they really handled something well - usually much better than they could’ve done even a month or two earlier. 

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But they don’t often notice the improvement until I point it out.

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Without me forcing a pause, they may notice the moment - even feel a wave of relief or excitement as they share it - but then they move on because there’s always something else to manage.

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But Reflection is the part of celebrating your successes that I don’t want you to miss. Including it will help you turn a one-time win into something you can repeat. It’s a way to make sure growth becomes intentional instead of accidental.

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Because the truth is, wins will fade if you don’t pause long enough to do two important things:

1. Give yourself credit for whatever change you made
2. Then reflect on how you shifted so you can make it happen again

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Let’s first be clear about what a “win” actually is.

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In divorce, wins aren’t often big and dramatic. More often they are:

• Pausing before you respond instead of reacting
  
  
• Holding a boundary without over-explaining
  
  
• Asking for support instead of pushing through alone
  
  
• Choosing a calmer option even when your nervous system wanted a fight-or-flight moment

It’s easy to move through these moments quickly because they don’t shout to be recognized, but those solid, thoughtful moments are where the real work is happening. 

Why Wins Fade

Wins fade because we often celebrate the outcome, not the ingredients.

We say, “That went better than usual,” but we don’t ask why.
We feel proud, then immediately focus on what still feels hard.

When that happens, we miss the gold.

And that gold is worth paying attention to. 

Gold lives in:

• Courage – doing something differently even when it felt uncomfortable
  
  
• Skills – using tools you’ve practiced instead of default habits
  
  
• Choices – making a deliberate decision rather than reacting
  
  
• Boundaries – protecting your energy, time, or values
  
  

These are not personality traits. They are things you did - skills you learned. And that matters, because what you do can be done again.

More Just For You > Grieving The Marriage Vs. Celebrating The Next Chapter

A Better Way to Evaluate a Win

Instead of stopping at “I handled that well,” slow it down.

Ask yourself:

What did I do differently?

Maybe you waited before responding. Maybe you named your needs instead of swallowing them. Maybe you walked away when staying would have escalated things.

Be specific. “Instead of escalating when I got an inflammatory message from my coparent, I put the phone down and walked away. I chose not to read it or do anything about it until I’d had time to think and get calm.”

By articulating exactly what you did differently, you recognize what worked and can set a foundation to build on.

What did this teach me about myself?

Perhaps you learned that you can tolerate discomfort longer than you thought.
Or that you don’t need certainty to make a grounded decision.
Or that you’re calmer when you prepare ahead of time.

This isn’t only about self-congratulation (though you deserve it!). Most importantly, it’s about building, or rebuilding, self-trust.

What do I want to remember next time?
This is the bridge to the future.

Maybe it’s:

• I feel better when I sleep on it.
  
  
• I don’t owe an immediate response.
  
  
• I’m more capable than my fear tells me.
  
  

Write it down. Your nervous system learns through repetition, not insight alone.

Pay Attention to How it Felt After

Not during. After.

How did your body feel once the moment passed?
Was there relief? More steadiness? A sense of clarity?

This matters because your body is always gathering data. When you take note of how a good choice actually feels afterward, you’re reinforcing that it’s safe to choose this way again.

 Notice the Ripple Effects

One of the benefits of good choices is that they often continue to give long after they’re made.

Maybe:

• The rest of your day felt lighter
  
  
• A conversation with your kids felt calmer
  
  
• You trusted yourself more in the next decision

These ripples are evidence that your choices don’t just reduce conflict—they create stability and peace.

MORE > How You Can Begin to Let Go of the Pressure You Put on Yourself

This Is How Growth Becomes Repeatable

Reflection is the secret sauce for turning effort into skill.

When you can see the courage you accessed, the boundary you held, or the choice you made on purpose, you stop feeling like progress is random.

You begin to recognize patterns that work for you.

And that’s especially important during divorce, when confidence is missing and decisions are significant.

You will rebuild trust in yourself by noticing when you act with integrity—and understanding how you got there.

A Gentle Challenge For You to Try

The next time you handle something well—even if no one else sees it—don’t rush past it.

Pause.
Mine it for gold.
Let it teach you.

Celebrating your successes doesn’t mean cheering louder (but that’s also fun if you want to!).

The real gift is learning how to become someone you can rely on—again and again.

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