Gray Divorce, Grown Kids, and Shifting Family Lines

Even Oprah is Paying Attention

You know a topic has made it mainstream when it’s the subject of Oprah’s podcast, right? In a recent episode, she examined the increasing number of people who are filing for divorce after 50, which is called Gray Divorce. Guests included therapist Dr. Susan Brown from the National Center for Family and Marriage Research at Bowling Green State University, who coined the term, as well as several women with personal experience dealing with it.

One woman on the show chose the divorce, but the others she spoke to did not (notably, all the guests were women). “After 26 years of marriage, my husband came downstairs one day and said he wanted a divorce.” She was blindsided and devastated. Other guests shared similar experiences, and a couple of them were there with their adult children.

As I listened, I was struck by the fact that we don’t often hear the stories of adult children impacted by divorce. One young woman in the audience addressed the awkward feeling that, as an adult, she didn’t think she “shouldn’t feel sad” about her parents’ divorce, or that they both chose to remarry, simply because she is older. Another young woman who was there with her mom agreed that despite being older the divorce was “disorienting,” stripping away the family system she’d relied on. Both wrestled with the question: Am I allowed to grieve this?

It turns out this is a very common phenomenon that even has a name: Family Boundary Ambiguity – and here’s how Lori Gottlieb, Oprah’s guest and NYT best-selling author of “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone,” defined it: the disruption of divorce causes us to question the boundaries of who’s in and who’s out of our family system. That happens when the family is taken apart during divorce, and it can also happen when a parent remarries, changing the boundaries again of who’s in and who’s out.”

This can be particularly stressful for young adults who intellectually understand that divorce might be best for their parents. Yet emotionally, they feel guilt and discomfort, or have a lingering, unvoiced desire to have their traditional family back together.

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I have several clients now who are in this category of Gray Divorce, and here are a few of the challenges that often arise:

• Setting new boundaries for the relationship with their kids. Adult kids may be used to interacting with one or both parents according to old patterns. 
• Managing anger about the divorce – just like younger kids, adult children may feel anger, frustration, or loyalty bonds with one or both parents. 
• Logistical realities – for example, where will adult kids (and perhaps their partners and young kids) go for holidays? They may feel pressure to protect or care for one or both parents, and not to let someone down by making a “wrong” choice. 
• Revisiting old wounds - The divorce may be a trigger that reignites childhood anger or resentment as the family structure changes.

On the other hand, as an adult, you may be able to deepen a relationship with your child because they do have a broader perspective and life experience of their own. The mother and daughter who spoke on the podcast shared how this experience has made them closer. Importantly, they both noted this was because the mother was very intentional about how she wanted to show up during her divorce. She specifically said that the first thing she did was to “set her intention” for how she wanted to show up during divorce since it was the part of the process she could control. Knowing her daughters were watching she decided it was important for them to both see her “suffer, and be sad, and navigate this, but also to see me with hope, resiliency and to choose the high road whenever possible.” She chose not to hide her emotions – she cried, but she also committed to showing “this is what it looks like to go through a hard thing.”

The daughter said it was “beautiful” to watch her mom be a “role model,” that it has led to her and her mom having “more joy together and are closer than they ever were.”

According to Gottlieb, one of the reasons this story is so successful is because the parent / child roles were still respected throughout the process. Even when everyone is an adult, that relationship still matters. Gottlieb cautions against treating kids as peers even when they are older. Your adult kids certainly have a more nuanced understanding of the complexities of relationships, but they still need to see their parent be the parent.

It's clear that divorce after 50 is not the end of the family story—it definitely is a rewrite, and the wisdom you’ve gained during the years of your marriage gives you valuable insights and perspective you can draw on. As Lori Gottlieb noted, “You’re not starting from zero, you’re starting from experience.” Lines may blur for a while, but clarity returns when we lead with intention. Whether you’re the parent or the grown child, honoring both the grief and the growth allows everyone to rebuild connection on steadier, kinder ground.

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