Are the “Shoulds” Wearing You Out?
Oct 13, 2026
October 21, 2026
They Don’t Deserve It, But Your Kids Do: Co-Parenting Without the Scorecard
It often feels unfair to be flexible with a difficult ex. I share how to compartmentalize their behavior so you can make choices your children truly deserve.
One of the hardest pills to swallow during divorce, especially in high-conflict situations, is the feeling that you are constantly giving in. When your ex is being difficult, dodging communication, or making your daily life harder, the absolute last thing you want to do is offer them a favor. It is incredibly common to feel like being flexible is rewarding their poor behavior.
When regular arguments are wearing on you, decisions can feel more like defeats. Here is a practical look how a generous choice gives your children the stability and access they deserve, without giving in on your boundaries.
The Trap of "Rewarding" Bad Behavior
Imagine your ex has a sudden schedule change, meaning they will go much longer than usual without seeing the kids. You happen to have a free evening during your scheduled custody time. Logically, you could offer them a few hours to take the kids to dinner.
But your ex has been a bit of a nightmare lately. They have been firing off tense text messages and completely ignoring your boundaries. Your immediate instinct is to say, "Why should I do them a favor? They don't deserve it."
You are absolutely right: your ex probably doesn't deserve your kindness right now. But your kids do. If you think your children would be happy to get that extra evening with their other parent, withholding that time just to teach your ex a lesson actually hurts your kids, not your ex.
The Power of Compartmentalizing
Surviving co-parenting without burning out is often an exercise in compartmentalizing. You are making a choice that serves your children, and it isn’t about your ex at all.
When you choose to be flexible, give yourself the credit you deserve for taking the high road. You’re showing that you’re capable of healthy co-parenting, even with everything else you are navigating behind the scenes.
Remind yourself: "I am not rewarding their bad behavior. I am choosing to facilitate a relationship that matters to my kids."
Where Else the Scorecard Shows Up
This dynamic doesn't just happen with scheduling. The urge to keep score shows up in plenty of small, everyday co-parenting moments where you have to put your ego aside for your kids’ well-being.
- Sharing Milestones: When your child loses a tooth or gets an award at school, sending a quick photo to an uncooperative ex feels annoying. You do it anyway, because your child deserves a parent who celebrates them openly.
- Attending School Events: You may stand on the opposite side of the soccer field or auditorium. But if your child wants a picture with both of you, stepping together for thirty seconds is a gift you give your kid, not a concession you give your ex.
- Holiday Swaps: If your ex's extended family is having a rare reunion on "your" weekend, letting the kids go feels like a massive sacrifice. But you do it because the memories your kids will make are more important than keeping a rigid scorecard.
Holding Boundaries While Taking the High Road
Choosing to be generous does not mean you have to be a doormat. You can offer flexibility while still holding boundaries.
An effective way to do this is to rely on structured co-parenting tools. Moving your communication to a dedicated app like OurFamilyWizard or TalkingParents lessens the emotion of the exchange. It allows you to offer the time clearly and logistically, without opening the door for a debate.
If you offer an extra evening, you can send a simple message: "I know your schedule shifted, so I am happy to offer you Tuesday from 4 PM to 8 PM for dinner with the kids. Please let me know by tomorrow morning if you want to use this time." If they ignore you, or push for the entire night instead, there’s nothing to negotiate. The offer expires and the regular schedule still stands.
I know from my own divorce how heavy and unfair this dynamic can feel. I have many clients come to me exhausted, feeling like they are the only ones making sacrifices while their ex gets a free pass. You don't have to figure it out alone. Together, we can work on exactly how to compartmentalize these decisions, take the high road, and hold firm boundaries that protect your sanity. Book a complimentary consultation today, and let's map out a plan.
Question:
I offered my ex extra time, and instead of saying thank you, he demanded a different time and started an argument. Now I regret even suggesting the extra day. What do I do?
Answer:
This is exactly why boundaries are so important, even when taking the high road. You do not have to engage in the argument or defend your original offer.
Use a firThis is exactly why boundaries are so important, even when taking the high road. You do not have to engage in the argument or defend your original offer. Use a firm, simple script: "The offer was only for Tuesday evening. Since that doesn't work for you, we will just stick to our regular court-ordered schedule." Then, step away from the conversation entirely. m, simple script: "The offer was only for Tuesday evening. Since that doesn't work for you, we will just stick to our regular court-ordered schedule." Then, step away from the conversation entirely.
Bonus Resource!
Here I’ll share some of the books, websites, podcasts, and experts to help make your journey a little less shitty!
When you offer an olive branch and your ex responds with hostility, knowing how to reply is crucial.
This book teaches you how to keep your responses Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm, so you can maintain your boundaries while still being the flexible parent your kids need.
