Are You Spiraling with Regret About Your Divorce? Try Changing Perspective.

Regret after divorce can feel like quicksand. One memory triggers another, a “what if” becomes a rabbit hole, and before you know it, you’re knee-deep in blame – usually aimed at yourself.

Why didn’t I leave sooner?Why didn’t I try harder?Why didn’t I see the red flags?

That spiral is real, and it’s painful. But here’s a gently challenging question to sit with: What if you did the best you could with what you knew at the time?

I realize that can feel like a cop out if you're in the thick of self-recrimination, but I see it differently. You didn’t have the benefit of the hindsight you now have. Instead of beating yourself up could you look at your survival, stamina, and even just the day-to-day choices as a radical act of compassion?

Ask yourself: what would you tell your best friend if they were in the same situation? Can you extend that same kindness and generosity to yourself?

Bitterness is Normal, But It’s Not the Whole Story

It’s incredibly hard not to feel bitter or angry when a marriage ends. Whether it unraveled slowly or imploded overnight, divorce often brings out the worst in us. The pain, sadness, regret and anger are all different ways of saying, that mattered to me.

But what if, instead of seeing your divorce as a failure, you started to see it as a passage? A classroom? A turning point?

What if the version of you who walked into that marriage was doing their absolute best—with the tools, self-awareness, and life experience they had at the time?

The Gift of Hindsight (If You Use It Wisely)

The truth is, our deepest growth often comes when we’re willing to revisit the hardest chapters—not to wallow, but to mine them.

That might sound like:

• “Now I understand why I shut down in conflict—I was trying to protect myself.”
• “I see how I confused people-pleasing with love.”
• “I never realized how much I ignored my gut just to keep the peace.”

These are not just insights. They’re guideposts for what comes next.

Your marriage—however long or short, however painful—can become a source of wisdom if you’re willing to revisit different aspects of it over time, and ask: What is this still teaching me about who I am and who I want to become?

Your Kids Are Part of the Story Too

And then there’s your children.

I absolutely believe that I am here on earth to parent my kids, Hannah and Max. Eventually, accepting my divorce was easier when I realized that without my marriage, I wouldn’t have them.

So maybe they’re the reason for all of it.

This same thinking can extend beyond our kids to other experiences and the people who are now in our lives thanks to a hard relationship. What lessons and resilience have you built along the way that you want to take with you into your next chapter?

Letting Go of the “Shoulds”

One of the cruelest tricks our minds play is the “should have” loop.

I should have said something.I shouldn’t have stayed that long.I should have left earlier, spoken louder, demanded more.

But “should” is a backwards-facing word. It keeps you stuck in a past you can’t change, instead of helping you build a future you can.

So try this: instead of asking “What should I have done?” ask “What have I learned?”Instead of “Why didn’t I know better?” try “What do I know now?”

You don’t have to pretend your marriage was perfect. You don’t have to excuse harm that was done. But you can stop beating yourself up and start treating that season of your life like a well-worn journal. Flip back through the pages. Highlight what matters. And carry it forward.

The Marriage Wasn’t a Mistake—It Was a Teacher

It’s tempting to want to slam the door on that chapter, especially if it holds pain or shame. But you don’t have to re-read it every day. On the other hand, you can revisit it when you’re ready, with curiosity instead of judgment.

Because the greatest lessons often live in the places we least want to look.

And every time you’re brave enough to go there - to remember, to reflect, to extract - you’re doing something powerful: you're rewriting the narrative.

Not from “I messed up” to “I was perfect.” But from “I failed” to “I grew.”

And that shift is powerful.

You may not love how your marriage ended. But you can still love who you’re becoming because of it.

So if you’re spiraling with regret, try pausing. Breathing. Then gently asking:What was I trying to protect?What did I learn about myself?What do I want to do differently now?

Your divorce doesn’t have to be the end of your story.It can be the beginning of a new one that incorporates more clarity, courage, and compassion for the person you’ve always been becoming.

Because that person is worth showing up for.