Are the “Shoulds” Wearing You Out?

“Should” is one of those words that shows up everywhere, and it carries extra weight when we’re feeling more vulnerable or stressed than usual. During divorce, the list of things you should and shouldn’t do can feel especially long and heavy.

Part of it is how the word gets used.

“You should join us tonight!” lands very differently from “You really should get out more.”

One is an invitation. The other is a judgment.

And “You should take care of that,” or “You should pay more attention,” can be triggering, especially when you’re already juggling a million things. Said differently, those same sentences might not land as hard. But there’s something about that “s” word that stirs up frustration and even shame.

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Where the Shoulds Come From

Let’s be honest, during divorce, they come from every direction.

Friends and family: You should fight for the house. You should be dating by now. You shouldn’t let them get away with that.

Your professional team: You should have those documents in by Friday.

And the loudest ones usually come from you: I should be handling this better. I should have seen this coming. I shouldn’t need help.

That last group deserves a closer look. Most of the people I work with are used to managing complicated lives well, so when divorce knocks them off their footing, the shoulds pile up fast. Each one is a small verdict that you’re falling short of a standard you never agreed to.

No wonder you’re tired.

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Not Every Should Deserves the Same Attention

Some of them are real. The deadline from your attorney matters. So does the paperwork. Those aren’t going away, and putting them off usually makes things harder later.

But many shoulds are opinions. They often come from people who love you, but haven’t lived your situation, and won’t be living with your decisions.

When everything feels like a 10, it helps to sort. The next time a should lands hard, try asking:

• Whose voice is this? Your attorney’s, your friend’s, or the one in your own head?
• Is it a requirement or an opinion? A court deadline is a requirement. “You should be over this by now” is an opinion.
• Does it move me toward what I want for my kids and my future? If it does, keep it. If it doesn’t, focus on how you can let it go.

Try a Different Word

Here’s something to try. Take one of your shoulds and replace it with “I’m choosing to” or “I’m choosing not to.”

“I should go to the neighborhood party” becomes “I’m choosing to go,” or “I’m choosing to skip it this year.”

“I should answer that text right now” becomes “I’m choosing to wait until tomorrow.”

It’s a small change, and it does something useful. “Should” puts someone else’s standard in charge. “I’m choosing” puts the decision back with you.

You’ll still do plenty of things you’d rather not do. But you’ll be doing them because you decided to (for your kids, for your future, for the person you want to be on the other side of this). That feels very different from doing them out of guilt.

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A Closing Thought

You have more control than it feels like right now.

This week, notice the shoulds: the ones other people hand you, and the ones you hand yourself. Pick one that’s been weighing on you and run it through the questions above.

What would you choose if no one were grading you?

If you’d like help sorting out what needs your attention and what can wait, let’s chat.