Before You Tell Your Kids About the Divorce

Lately I’ve had the privilege of working with several couples to help them decide exactly how they want to tell their kids they are getting a divorce. The couples are very different - one has college-aged daughters, another has a boy and a girl, both in elementary school. And another couple is planning to nest to keep their two toddler-aged children in the same place. 

They each have unique priorities, and each family structure is very different, but those things are not as important to what they have in common: a commitment to showing up together, even though it’s really hard, for the benefit of their kids and their long-term coparenting dynamic.

Telling your children about your divorce is undoubtedly one of the toughest conversations you’ll ever have. I’ve been there, too. My twins were in high school at the time, and knowing that my words would totally change their world was incredibly heavy.

While you cannot entirely remove their pain, you do have control over how the news is delivered. A well-planned, thoughtful conversation can provide your children with the steady foundation they need to process this transition. Here are three things to consider before you sit down to talk.

1. The setting
2. The messaging
3. The follow-up

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1. The Setting includes the work you do before you have the talk, and the details of when, where, and how

Be 100% Certain: Before you share anything with kids, be certain that the divorce is moving forward. You don’t want to do this again, or have to undo it.

Present a United Front (If Possible): Whenever possible, have both parents present. Agree ahead of time on the main goals of the discussion and exactly what you are going to share. Presenting a united, calm front shows your children that while the marriage is ending, you are still a team when it comes to parenting them.

Timing is Everything: Choose the time of the conversation carefully. Avoid holidays, birthdays, bedtimes, or the busy rush of a weekday morning before school. The best time is usually a weekend during the day, or an early evening. This gives enough time to process the news, ask questions, and if age-appropriate, some time on their own with the ability to circle back with you as desired.

2. Messaging: The Golden Rule: Stick to the Facts

When I worked in crisis communications, we would remind people they don’t have to fill the silence between questions - and neither do you. Nerves make it easy to fall into over-explaining, but the most important rule for this conversation is to remember that even if they don’t say it, most kids are worried about themselves - how will this news change their life? Keep that in mind as you decide what you’ll say to them. Will details about how the marriage ended remind them that they are safe and loved by both parents?  

Though it may feel incomplete or even evasive, details about an adult situation should never be shared. If this doesn’t sit right with you initially, think of financial stresses, betrayals, and other adult conflicts as individual rocks, each of which gets added to their backpack when shared. Is that truly what you want them to carry?

What they actually need to hear is:

• We have decided to separate.
• Here is who will be moving and what will change.
• Here is what we are still working to figure out.
• We both love you completely, and that will always be the same.
• Absolutely nothing is your fault.

Tailoring the Conversation to Their Age and Personality

There are some important considerations for talking to kids of different ages. 

A good rule for children of any age is not to give a detailed explanation right away. Start small and let them process and ask their questions.

Younger Children (Early Elementary & Under)

Young children, especially, do not need complex explanations. Stay focused on their immediate world. They just need to know that both parents are okay, who is taking them to school, where they are sleeping, and that they are safe and loved. If they ask questions, keep the answers focused on them. For example, if they ask why, you can remind them that those are things the adults will take care of: "You don’t need to worry about what happened. Mom and Dad are going to live in different places now. But no matter where you are, or where we are, we both love you and it’s our job to keep you safe and protected." 

Pre-Teens and Teens

Teens and pre-teens will often need a lot more time to process the news privately. They might not open up or ask questions right away, and they might not show how they truly feel. They need a safe place to speak openly when they are ready. Sometimes, all they need to hear is that you are there for them and that you empathize. Resist the urge to offer a life lesson, fix their feelings, or lecture them. Just be a steady presence.

Adult Children

It can be incredibly tempting to overshare with your adult children, almost treating them like a friend or a confidant. Please resist this urge. No matter how old they are, you are still their parent. Sharing the details places a deeply unfair burden on them.

It is a very common assumption that older or adult children won't be affected by a divorce because they live on their own, but this is a myth. They are often deeply affected, even if they don't show it right away. Their foundational sense of family and childhood memories are actively shifting. In many cases, when a parent overshares, adult children may feel pressured to take a side, feel worried about upsetting one parent by still maintaining a relationship with them, or feel anger or resentment toward one or both parents. 

How to Answer Their Hardest Questions

No matter their age, kids will likely have questions. Here are a few common ones with examples of how to answer them. Of course, these are just examples and should always be customized for your family. Spending some time to identify questions your kids will have can be incredibly useful. Where will their pet go? Will they stay in the same school? Being prepared to answer the questions that are of greatest concern to them is proof that you are delivering on your promise to put them first.

• "Did I do something wrong?"
  
  • What to say: "Absolutely not. This is a decision between the adults, and it has nothing to do with anything you did or didn't do."
• "Where am I going to live?"
  
  • What to say: "You are going to live with both of us (or whatever is correct for your situation). We are still figuring out the exact schedule, but you will always have a home with me, and a home with [other parent]."
• "Are you going to get back together?"
  
  • What to say: "No, we’ve made the decision to divorce. But no matter where we live, or you live, we will both be your parents, and always love you unconditionally. That will never change."
• What happened?
  
  • This can be a very difficult thing to answer, especially if one parent feels the other is to blame, or only one parent wants the divorce. Try to stay focused on the kids’ perspective - they’re asking if they should be upset with one parent or the other. One potential answer is: “Sometimes this is what happens in adult relationships. We’ve accepted that this is the best path forward for us and for you, even though we know it’s hard right now. We also know we are all capable of doing hard things - we will get through this.”

What Happens Next? (Coming Next Week!) 

Having this initial conversation takes an immense amount of courage and preparation, but it is truly just the first step. Because there is so much to unpack, I’ve decided to split this topic into two parts. Next week, in Part 2, we will dive into the third crucial element of this process: The Follow-Up. I will walk you through exactly how to handle the days and weeks after the talk, how to navigate the emotional aftermath, and how to continue checking in with your kids so you can remain a steady anchor for them.

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