Do I Still Believe in Marriage? I Do!

A couple of weeks ago, I traveled to New Hope, Pennsylvania, for my oldest nephew’s wedding. Our family even dubbed it “the royal wedding” because we have been so excited about this union and the surrounding events. My nephew and his now bride met as undergrads at UCLA and now live in New York City. They’ve been together for almost eight years already, and their wedding was truly a joyful celebration. They honored my dad by asking him to officiate; their 83- and 89-year-old grandmothers served as flower “girls,” and their sweet little dachshund, Gustavo, was the ring bearer.

Most of us watching their beautiful ceremony have experienced heartbreak and known loss. Having seen so much of life, I wondered what everyone was thinking as they watched or participated. Looking at the happy tears on most people’s faces, it felt like hope and happiness were winning the day.

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Can You Believe in Marriage After Divorce? 

Sometimes people ask me if I’m cynical about marriage now that I work in divorce, but the truth is, I’m not. Of course things can go wrong. But what if they go well? 

I know firsthand the fear that life won’t be the same, that these seismic shifts will only result in bad things, the worry that all the unknowns are just too overwhelming to create anything positive. But what if that’s not true? What if the greatest lesson you can take from this change is the belief that you can do something meaningful and amazing with your future, even if you can’t see it right now? 

Every day I see things that go wrong, but I also see what goes right. The mom finding her voice and strength after years of being shut down; the dad thriving in a new relationship after having felt dismissed and unappreciated. Kids developing new, stronger relationships with both parents in a way nobody expected. 

These are successes worth working toward, because healthy people are better parents, friends, partners, thinkers, employees, siblings and members of the community. The best version of you has a lot to contribute to this world.

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What I See Differently After Divorce

Even after my divorce, while I was taking time to rebuild and think about what kind of relationship I wanted for the future, I believed in the possibility of a meaningful partnership where both people thrive. For me, there was strength and the potential to regain a sense of control in thinking about that. What kind of partner did I want? What kinds of things didn’t I want? What were my priorities as I entered this new chapter? What could I do to improve the odds of a successful partnership for the next time?

I welcomed the chance to answer those questions with wisdom and hindsight that were obviously so different from when I got married at 25. This is likely worthy of a post of its own, but here are just a couple of things I now see differently post-divorce.

• There is no substitute for real communication. The harder it feels, the more important it probably is. In my relationship now, it is our first priority. We both suffered when it wasn’t there. We’re committed to trying harder this time.
• I care a lot less about what other people think. Trusting my intuition again took work and effort, but it’s something I continue to prioritize because the benefits of doing so help me show up stronger in so many aspects of my life.

I’ve written more about grieving a marriage while still honoring what was good, because moving forward doesn’t mean you have to erase that part of your life.

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Would I Do It Again?

Based on everything I’ve seen and learned, I’m often asked about my marriage and if I would do it again. This might shock you, and no one has to feel the same way I do, but that marriage brought me my kids, so yes, I would do it again. Also, I believe that the lessons and experiences I had have helped me show up as a better partner in my current relationship, and I’ve also found a career I love that I never would have discovered. There were good years. And I know there are lessons I can take from many of them. 

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Hope Looks Different for Everyone

I’m not trying to be a Pollyanna, and I respect that everyone gets to choose their own path. For some people I know, the chance to live on their own, to travel, or pursue new passions or rekindle old ones is exactly the next step they’re seeking, and including a partner is not even on the list. And that’s great, too. My wish for my clients and everyone who’s transitioning after the end of their marriage is simply this: that they find whatever it is that brings them joy, and the confidence to pursue it. 

At that beautiful wedding in New Hope, watching my dad marry my nephew and his partner while all of us looked on, I wasn't thinking about everything that can go wrong. I was thinking about how willing people are to hope, even after heartbreak. Maybe especially after heartbreak.

Hope doesn't have to look like a wedding. For some of you, it's an apartment that finally feels like yours, a trip you've put off for years, or a Saturday morning with your kids that feels calm again. For others, it's a partner you haven't met yet.

Whatever yours looks like, I hope you choose it on purpose, rather than letting a hard ending make the decision for you.

A year from now, what do you want to be true about your life?