How To Follow-Up With Your Kids After Breaking the News of Divorce

Part 2 of Before You Tell Your Children About the Divorce (The Follow-Up)

Last week I walked through how to plan the actual conversation where you tell your kids about the divorce. But that conversation isn't a single event — it's the start of an ongoing one. This week is about what comes next: the follow-up questions, the messy do-overs, and how you keep showing up in the weeks and months that follow.

We already discussed the first two things to plan before breaking the news to your kids, 1) The Setting and 2) The Messaging, and now, 3) The Follow-Up.

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3. Follow-Up  And, What If You Already Told Them (And Wish You Handled It Better)?

Most kids will think of questions after the first conversation, and that should be part of your planning. Encourage them to ask whatever comes up, whenever they feel like it. Importantly, if only one parent is there when a question gets asked, update the other parent. Share anything you would want to know - it sets the stage for productive coparenting.

If you are reading this after a messy, unplanned conversation with your kids, please give yourself some grace. You are navigating an incredibly stressful life event. You can always take actions to move forward. If you’re not happy about how the first conversation went, apologizing models for them that everyone makes mistakes. Owning them is what really matters.

Another thing to keep in mind, as you build your own support system, think about your children's support system, too. Loop in trusted family, friends, babysitters, teachers, and their friends' parents. You can also include a family therapist or counselor—many children worry they might upset their parents, but would still benefit from a conversation with another trusted adult.

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What About After the First Talk?

Telling your children is just the first step—this is not a one-and-done conversation. In the days and weeks that follow, continue to gently check in and offer a safe, quiet space for them to share their thoughts and feelings. Remind them often that you are always there to listen, and try to remain open to whatever they share or ask without getting defensive or trying to fix it.

During these check-ins, consistently reassure them of two main things: they are unconditionally loved and supported by you, and this transition is absolutely not their fault.

As you move forward, do everything you can to support a healthy relationship between your children and their other parent. This effort starts with that very first conversation and will benefit your family's peace of mind many times over.

A great rule of thumb is to talk about your ex in front of the kids the same way you hope your ex is talking about you.

Finally, your kids benefit immeasurably when you keep your relationship with your ex completely separate from your children’s relationship with them. Even when you are feeling deeply frustrated with your former spouse, it’s a gift to your kids to keep it separate from your interactions with them. Never make them feel guilty, and do not be angry with them for wanting to spend time with their other parent. They need the freedom to be kids and love you both.

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Navigating This Transition With Someone Who’s Been There Too

Working through these tough conversations and figuring out how to handle the emotional aftermath is exactly what I help my clients with. You do not have to script this out or manage the fallout alone.

Through coaching, I provide the emotional and practical tools you need to regulate your own nervous system, so you can show up as your best self for yourself and your kids at any age. If you are preparing for this conversation or trying to rebuild afterwards, book a 20-minute complimentary consultation today. Let's work together to ensure your whole family comes out of this transition better than before.

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